Umm I'm too high to move.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
