I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize