his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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