I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
