I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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