I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
