u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
