I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
