just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
