My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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