btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
