You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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