my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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