You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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