threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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