hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize