I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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