My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
