I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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