I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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