Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
