this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
