you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
