i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
