Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
