my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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