When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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