DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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