I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
there's paper in my vomit.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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