who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The adults are the big ones right?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
