Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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