dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
