arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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