I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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