It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
