what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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