My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
