I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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