either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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