so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
