bring money and cleavage
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
