Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
