Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
