I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need water and some morals
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
