someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
