HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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