My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
