omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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