Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
