He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
