If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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