i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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