hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
