Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you didnt know i had herpes?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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