i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
