I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
