Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
