Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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