she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
