Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
