You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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