yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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